It's 3am. I should be sleeping. And I was. But pain breaks me from sleep. So here I sit.
I've always tried to steer away from the "why's." But right now all I can think of are the "why's."
Why my liver, too?
Why does chemo seem to be the only way?
Why 9 months?
Why not tomorrow?
Why is this happening now?
Why am I always sick?
Why do I not want to be open about this?
Why do I want to hide?
Why didn't I lose my hair last time?
Why will I lose it now?
Why can't I drink anything cold?
Why can't I eat anything cold?
Why am I still having so many issues with eating?
Why does humidity bother me some days but not others?
Why are my blood counts good one day but bad the next?
Why are some doctors supportive and some not?
Why do some people "beat" it and others don't?
Why am I in so much pain?
Why was it "ok" yesterday but not today?
Why do I feel so selfish?
Why do the tears fall when I least expect them?
Why do I feel like a fighter some days but a loser other days?
Why am I so misunderstood ... even by myself?
Why do I feel so alone when I'm not?
I try to be positive. I really do. But right now ...
Why?
4 comments:
I've often asked that same question, for you over the last few months...
Never feel like you can't share the down's mixed in with the up's... we are all here for you.
((((HUGS))))
My prayers are with you. My father bravely battled ec for two years. Everyone else we met throughout the process did manage to beat it. I still ask "why"...
Hugs. Just hugs...
because you are beautiful, wonderfully made; because you are human; because you are scared; because you are brave, courageous, a warrior; because you are frightened, tired, sick of it, done, over it, angry; because you are full of life, love, hope, promise, light, and infinity; because you are endless and finite; because you are lost, because you are found; because you are lonely; because you are physical, because you are spirit, because you are all heart and then all head and then all for f**ks sake just get me out of this bed; because you are a masterpiece; because you are in pieces, because you are putting back the pieces; because you are a mosaic; because you are shadow; because you are light; because you are love and pain and past and future unknown and hopes and dreams and wishes in the here and now the ever present moment you, most beautiful eternal perfect you- every crack and flaw of human you
i love YOU
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