Dear "A Reader" ...

Your email ...

Several months ago you stated that your cancer had returned and that you had no more treatment options. If that was the case than how can you be healthy enough to be traveling I would think that you'd be on your death bed and not jaunting cross country and living it up. I laugh at how you bitch and moan and complain about how much your life sucks and how sick you are yada yada yada but you seem well enough to me. Your all drama and you crave attention. Just how really sick are you? Does God know?

Sincerely,
A reader

My response ...

Dear "A Reader"

First let me start by saying that if you find it necessary to email me in the future please do so from an account you plan to KEEP so I can respond properly. Who opens an email account, sends an email, and then deletes the account before allowing the emailed recipient a chance to respond? Why the need to hide? What are you afraid of? The TRUTH?! I am an adult and I would assume you are, too. Why not act like one?

I am assuming you are referring to the post "(raw) Random thoughts" from May 2nd when you say that I stated I had no more treatment options. Maybe you should go back and re-read that post for you will find that I never said I did not have any more treatment options, instead I said my options didn't look too promising. I do believe there is a difference. A big difference. Perhaps if I had said I didn't have any more options then I may indeed be on my death bed. But I never said such a thing.

I don't seek out readership for this blog. Besides my family I could probably count on one hand how many people read. I hardly ever post, and when I do what I blog about is VERY minimal compared to what is going on "behind the scenes." I rarely leave comments on the blogs I do read. I am extremely shy and quiet, and a very private person. If nobody left me another comment, or if I never posted to this blog again I wouldn't care. We all have opinions and if your opinion of me is "drama and attention seeker" then so be it. Whatever!! I know better.

I do have good days, and days that allow me to "jaunt cross country" and "live it up" with a really good friend and her family (ask Sam just how many times that trip was canceled and rescheduled only to be canceled again). But I also have shitty days, and days where all I do is "bitch and moan and complain." (we all do) Cancer sucks!! And some days cancer MAKES MY LIFE SUCK!! But I am grateful for every day I am given. And if you beg to differ then you need to read my profile (which I have not changed) and go back and re-read my entire blog. The little things I used to take for granted I no longer do ... like being able to eat ... because over night that ability could be taken from me again ... FOREVER!!

And just how really sick am I? I guess that depends on what your definition of "really sick" is. The cancer tumors I have in my body should be "sick" enough. But if it isn't then how about the fact that I spent 36 hours Thursday and Friday being infused with a poison so strong that I was vomiting nearly nonstop for 20 of those 36 hours, and the other 16 hours found me dealing with nausea, cracked and bleeding mouth sores, the most hellish metallic taste in my mouth, and body aches that would make the common flu bow down and give praise. Or how about the fact that the slightest change in humidity can cause the muscles in my throat to tighten and expand to the point of needing to breathe into a paper bag with my head between my knees to keep from hyperventilating, passing out, or even going into cardiac arrest due to the heart arrhythmia that I have? Or the fact that every six months for the rest of my life I will need to have my throat dilated because of the transplant I had 18 months ago, and that I take medicine daily so my body doesn't reject said transplant? Or maybe the fact that I have a constant headache that not even oxycontin or morphine seem to be able to touch? Not to mention the fact that I have been thisclose to death twice. Is any of this "well enough" for you? This is my life. I live it daily. Would you like to trade places? If not then I assume I am "really sick" and too sick for you to be a judge of.

Now run along and take your "does god know" question with you.

Sincerely,
Chantele