Rage. Ire. Fury. Indignation. Wrath. All very powerful words. All equal ... ANGER!!
Wasted time. Consumed energy. Flowing tears. Constant headache. Endless bitching. MISERY!!
Chant. Pray. Soul search. Take a walk. Watch a comedy. Listen to upbeat music. Read a romance novel. Done it all. Still, I remain angry.
What next? Chant more. Prayer harder. Soul search longer. Walk faster. Attend a comedy show. Get up and dance to music. Go to reading hour at a local book store. Anything. Something. But nothing. I am still angry.
So the cancer is back. So treatment options haven't looked too promising. So my heart is bad. So I've been in California and the humidity is higher than I've ever experienced ... I've already been to the E.R. for breathing treatments. So my throat hurts. So I feel like a failure. So I seem lost. So depression is once again taking over my life ... even though I try to hide it. Some see it, some don't. Some get it, others don't. So. So. So.
Bitch. Moan. Cuss. Scream. Rinse. Repeat. Oh my god, shut the fuck up already!! I mean, how many times can oneself listen to the same shit over and over and over again? It gets tiring. Boring. Blah. Blah. Blah.
Anger.
Anger.
Anger.
Anger. Enough!!
Realization ... step one.
Step two ... peace, within myself.
Three ... moving forward.
A work in progress.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
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4 comments:
good... all GOOD. good work.
embrace it. all of it. give in, to get through. it's the only way.
you have a right to every single thing you feel, think.
i know i sit out here, from afar- but never a DAY passes Chan that i have not thought of you.
love love love coming your way.
and i will pray and chant and dance for you.
Ditto what Kris said. I'm sorry to hear this news.
Chan you remain in my constant thoughts and prayers. Your feelings are SO expected and SO deserved. Like Kris said, embrace it. You are strong! HUGS to you.
I don't have to write it since we talk about it every day. You are allowed to be pissed off! Only 6 weeks, sweetie!!!
Love ya!
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