Enough is enough ...

I have made the decision that I will not do any more treatments. I just finished a grueling course of chemo and radiation last week to treat my esophageal cancer. Next Monday I was supposed to start another course to try to treat the cancer in my bones that was discovered last month. Unfortunately with the kind of cancer I have, my chances of being in remission for more than a few months at a time are low. And the chances of my being "cured" are extremely slim. Esophageal cancer is a "bad" cancer to get when it comes to favorable treatment resulting in a long life span afterwards. Not many survive more than 2 years, and VERY FEW survive more than 5 years (I am nearing 2 years since diagnosis). Continued treatment is not going to give me a better quality of life, it's only going to prolong my life so I can get to the next treatment. Chemotherapy and radiation are very damaging to the body if only one treatment is done. In the 20 months since I was diagnosed I've done 2 radiation courses and 6 chemo courses. My body is wearing down. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of not being able to eat. I am tired of steroids. I am tired of mouth sores. I am tired of blood draws weekly (if not daily). I am tired of blood transfusions. I am tired of being poked and prodded. I am tired of not being able to be around people or being out in the open because my immune system is so suppressed. I am missing my 20 year class reunion this weekend because this last treatment wiped my immune system out. I want to spend the remainder of my days living, not hoovering over a toilet puking, or curled up in a ball on my bed, or sitting in an infusion room watching poison flowing thru my veins knowing it's not really going to help in the long run. I want to be with family, and friends, and go to dinner, and sit on a rock on the side of a mountain looking out over the valley below. I want to feel the sun on my face, and dance in the rain. I want to take long walks, and play games. I want to go to the latest chick flick with my mom and nieces. I want to be able to hug loved ones and not have to wear a mask. I just want to ... be.

I don't know how much time I have left. I won't really know until I have my scans in 2 months to see what this latest treatment did. I do have hope that it was the "cure all" I needed. But if it wasn't then I am okay with that. And I am okay knowing that if it wasn't and deciding not to do any further treatment that I've "signed my own death certificate." I am okay with that. I am.

I am not doing this post to gain sympathy. Because if I wanted ANY of that I would have updated this blog EVERY single time I was sick, or in the hospital, or being transfused, or telling you about the constant headache I've had since May, or letting you know the cancer is now in my bones. I am doing this post, which is actually harder than I thought it would be, because I feel there are a few readers who deserve to know. Those who have offered prayers and sent positive vibes when I needed them. I've met some great people thru this blog, some I've even been fortunate enough to meet in real life. All of you have touched my heart in your own special ways.

I don't know if I will ever blog here again. I do have a facebook, but don't really update my status much. I do leave more comments there than I do in the blog world though. But I just wanted to make sure I left one post to say thanks from the bottom of my heart to those who let me into your world thru your own blogs and for being such a support to me when I needed it via mine.

HUGS ~
Chantele