Had you asked me a month ago how I felt, I would have told you to go away and let me die. It's amazing what a few good friends and a wonderful supporting family can do to help pick you up off the ground when you feel like there is nothing to stand up to or for anymore.
I've spent a lot of time with family - learning a new (or not so new) way of communicating.
I've also spent many hours focusing on me - what REALLY matters, what doesn't - who REALLY matters, who doesn't (and the ones that don't are usually the ones you thought really did) - re-doing my bucket list (prioritizing, and adding).
There are good days and there are bad, but the bad seem to be less and less often. Living with cancer and the after affects of treatment are hard. But it doesn't mater how many times you fall down, it's how many times you get back up that does. And one can never be victorious without putting up a damn good fight to win.
I chose to have surgery even though I was very well aware that the chances of it helping me get my voice back was very little. I so badly wanted to wake up afterwards and hear my voice again. But I didn't. Of course I was disappointed, but does having a voice REALLY matter? Nope. It doesn't change who I am. I am still me - just a quiet me now.
I am heading to Alaska this week, for a month. I love it there, especially in the winter time, when the moon comes up over the mountains at noon but never really seems to disappear. Makes me realize that even though my life seems full of darkness - there is ALWAYS a little bit of light shining thru. And that little bit of light is what gets me thru each and every day.
2 comments:
Oh I am so glad you are going somewhere that you love and will renew you. That is how Big Sur is to me...while it may be dark somewhere, it's always light there for me. Enjoy your time my friend and we can't wait to hear about your time there when you get back. Many hugs!
You are awesome, Chan! I'm so glad you are going to Alaska for a while. You deserve to go some place that makes you happy and renew yourself. We miss you!
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