Loving me ...

"I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
A stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me"
- Stronger Woman by Jewel

I have been having so many "issues" with my cancer. I thought it was the whole "why me, why do I have this cancer." Instead Ki (my date from the other evening and my new FRIEND) opened my eyes to see the real issue - it's not the "why" at all. It's the "who." Who am I with this cancer? And if I can't accept who I am, and love me for what ever I am handed, then how can I expect anyone else to either? THAT'S what was so amazing about our date the other evening ... him telling me the things I needed to hear in order to heal. In order to move past what I was, and accept who I am now.

I know that my road to absolute happiness is what I make it. I know that what lies ahead is not going to be easy to defeat. But if I believe in myself, and believe that I can do it then I will and can conquer anything. Some things will be able to be conquered with big steps. Some will require small steady ones. But they can ONLY be conquered if *I* believe they can be. And I CAN and WILL overcome any and all things that are handed to me - no matter how small, no matter how big. It can be done.

Since the middle of January I have been trying to deal with my eating issues. I had just about given up hope that I'd ever eat solid foods again. I've been going to therapy twice a week. Each time I went I was given a single cheerio. I'd put it in my mouth and TRY to chew it up and swallow it. But each time I'd end up spitting it out. My sensitive pharyngeal reflex seemed like something I'd NEVER get beyond.

Wednesday morning I woke up determined I would conquer cheerios. I put one in my mouth and almost immediately spit it back out. But I put another one back in. I sat there until I had chewed it enough, took a deep breath, and swallowed. The tears of joy would not stop. I then took another one. Chewed. Breathed. Swallowed. Yesterday morning I ate three. This morning I ate six.

It's the littlest things that sometimes mean the most.

Cheerios - CONQUERED!!

It took 4 months. Four long months of frustration, anger, failure, tears, pain, doubt. But it only took one person one hour to make me see that I was my own worst enemy. To make me see that what I wanted was the past - to be able to eat an entire bowl of cheerios. And that what I need is today - one cheerio at a time.

It's all about this moment forward.

I let go of the old me on Tuesday evening. And started loving the new me on Wednesday morning.